P.S.

wow.  so, having just woken up from a nap, i feel the need to update y’all a bit.

since i last posted i have:

-gotten a promotion! (of which i have mixed feelings…while i am happy for the recognition that i have been working hard, i still think i am in the wrong place.  although, i did just read a book our imprint will publish that i loved.)

-i found out my best friend is coming to visit for a month! (honestly, the best news of my year thus far.)

-realized that tomorrow marks 6 months of happily co-habitating.

-realized that i am far from my goal of panicking less.

-found a wonderful (free!) yoga group in Jersey City that i will be attending each Monday.

-seriously considered buying dry shampoo (mostly because the bathroom in my apartment is totally fucked up, and every time we shower, we are unable to use the toilet for several hours.)

so, nothing too life changing, but here i am.

and here is a great pictures of Buns, enjoying our deck. 

ok, so most of my postings have been about my personal life/struggles with the everyday, but i need to take a moment to acknowledge what i see as my government’s war against the rights of its women.  i am sickened by the recent legislation in VA.  it is a government mandated medical procedure and it should be illegal. 

this Women’s History Month should be a time for all women to stand proudly and declare “i am.”  it should not be a time for brave women to get arrested for this as they peacefully protest an unjust law.  i think back to the hope and peace i found  last March, in what felt like a time of revolution.  below is a piece i wrote last March after meeting one of my feminist heroes.  as i read this, i wish, once again, for a sense of hope.

‘[Nawal El Saadawi is one of Egypt’s feminist foremothers. El Saadawi entered the feminist scene when, as Egypt’s Director of Public Health, she discussed the injustices practiced against women (including the practice of female genital mutilation) in her 1972 work, Women and Sex.  The publication of this work caused Saadawi to lose her job with the ministry of Health and marked the beginning of her tumultuous relationship with the Egyptian government. In 1981 Saadawi was among those held at Qanatir Women’s Prison under the orders of Anwar al-Sadat. Those months in prison led to the creation of her memoir, Memoirs from the Women’s Prison and they also served as inspiration for her best-known novel, A Woman at Point Zero.]

Nawal El Saadawi is an accomplished novelist, poet, and doctor.  She has been working as an activist for over fifty years.  She has lived many lives.  I first learned of Nawal El Saadawi during an international writer’s course when we were assigned her novel God Dies by the Nile. 

I had the pleasure of meeting Nawal El Saadawi when, at the age of seventy-nine, she came to New York to be interviewed about her experiences during the Egyptian Revolution that occurred earlier this year.

I want to share her story of protest with you. 

She spoke of her most recent revolution.  She did her best to convey the deep bond she experienced with a mass of strangers who quickly became close allies, because even at seventy-nine, Saadawi spent every day among the protestors in Tahrir Square.

When the sun went down, and all gathered together to discuss the day’s events, Saadawi, who had some difficulty spending all day and all night on her feet, was given the coats off people’s backs to cushion her body and help keep her warm.  Because she has problems with her back, a young man sat for hours with his back braced against Saadawi’s to give his elder sufficient support.  Saadawi laughed as she relayed this story, trying to get our group to imagine this young man trying to keep his back straight while simultaneously attempting to crane his neck around to remain involved in the meeting being held. 

Saadawi knew she could not spend all night out in the open, so her fellow protestors came up with a solution.  Under the cover of night, Saadawi broke curfew as she was whisked away on the back of a motorcycle.  Sandwiched between two men she had not even been introduced to, she was given the necessary support and protection she needed as they raced through the streets of Egypt.  She relayed the feeling of flying through the streets, with a sense of weightlessness and freedom.  She smiled, thinking back as she tried to get us to envision her body bending with each curve of the streets beneath her.

Although many of her fellow protestors were of a different generation, Saadawi said during the protests, she and her fellow compatriots entered a new level of understanding.  She spoke of a sense of connection shared by all participants, women and men alike.  She explained that as time passed all involved began to function as a singular unit.  “We lost our religion.  We lost our gender.  We became one person.”

These were the snap shots that remained with me most vividly after meeting Nawal El Saadawi.  They helped me to feel tied to Saadawi and to the events she participated in, and I hope by relaying these images I can continue that sense of connection. 

We are all so lucky to live in a time where information lies just at our finger tips.  During the revolution the world witnessed first-hand the impact of this connectivity.  People can stay in touch from all over the world.  And people who may never meet have the opportunity to learn from one another.

Nawal El Saadawi has led a life that remains an inspiration to women around the world, and after listening to her speak it became very clear that she will continue to leave her mark on history for the rest of her life.  May we all learn from her.’

since i still have not come up with a real list of resolutions (and even Chinese New Year came and went) to show that i am at least making good on my current resolution….voila! my book list thus far!

2012 COMPLETED:

Bedelia: Vera Caspary (Feminist Press)

An Object of Beauty: Steve Martin (Grand Central Publishing)

The Nine Lives of Chloe King: Liz Bramwell (Simon Pulse)

Lady Oracle: Margaret Atwood (Fawcett Books)

and….well, bunny.  because i can’t not post this gorgeous mug.

so, i have yet to make any real concrete resolutions for this year, but i know i will be expanding on some of my older resolutions.  for example, since i am now sort of a cook, my new plan is to also become a person who bakes.  my best friend sent me this amazing looking pie recipe i want to try soon.  and since i started a booklist last year, this year i will try to read more books.  and find more new authors.  (suggestions are always welcome!)  i have decided to post my admittedly short “books i read” list from 2011, as proof that i have kept one of my resolutions.

2011 COMPLETED:

Role Models: John Waters (Farrar, Straus and Giroux)

The Sweet Relief of Missing Children: Sarah Braunstein (W. W. Norton & Company)

I Am Number Four: Pittacus Lore (HarperCollins)

The Day Nina Simone Stopped Singing: Darina Al-Joundi (Feminist Press)

Wait Until Tomorrow: Pat MacEnulty (Feminist Press)

Who is Ana Mendieta?: Christine Redfern (Feminist Press)

The Awakening: Kate Chopin

Tango, My Childhood, Backwards and in Heels: Justin V. Bond (Feminist Press)

On Chesil Beach: Ian McEwan (Anchor)

Bad Behavior: Mary Gaitskill (Simon & Schuster)

The Radleys: Matt Haig (Free Press)

Complaints & Disorders: Barbara Ehrenreich & Deirdre English (Feminist Press)

Because They Wanted To: Mary Gaitskill

Survivor: Chuck Palahniuk

Special Topics in Calamity Physics: Marisha Pessl (Penguin)

Invisible: Hugues de Montalembert (Atria)

A Stolen Life: Jaycee Duggard (Simon & Schuster)

The Women’s Room: Marilyn French (Penguin)

Green Girl: Kate Zambreno (Emergency Press)

Mary: Vladimir Nabokov (Vintage)

The Dog of the Marriage: Amy Hempel (Scribner)

Eat the Document: Dana Spiotta (Scribner)

The Big Year: Mark Obmascik (Free Press)

2011 IN PROGRESS:

A Life in Motion: Florence Howe (Feminist Press)

Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrl Revolution:  Sara Marcus (Harper Perennial)

Zippermouth: Laurie Weeks (Feminist Press)

The Fuck-Up: Arthur Nersesian (MTV/Pocket Books)

And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief as Photos: John Berger (Vintage)

 2012 COMPLETED:

Bedelia: Vera Caspary (Feminist Press)

so there it is.  it is SO MUCH shorter than i’d like it to be, but i figure, i averaged 2 books a month, which isn’t terrible.  this year i want to try for 40 books read.  here’s to another book filled year. 

so, i started a new blog inspired by my time in publishing.

publishingfml.tumblr.com

welcome to it.

huh.  so i just spent the last few minutes (see: half an hour) looking back on the life of this blog.  aside from the guilt i now feel due to my overwhelming narcissism, i am left with a tremendous feeling of accomplishment.

even as the year is about to close, i continue to do over half of my new year’s resolutions.  and the other day i baked a cake.  from scratch!  i make myself dinner almost every night now (i have become a master of sauteing squash).  and i am getting back into yoga, although, i admit, there was a gap for some months there.  but i am doing my best to eat healthy and exercise.  i feel like i have grown into a much happier, more confident place.  i have done some major exploring of my neighborhood.  i have grown from the loss of my best friend and come into my own.  i have built a beautiful home with my partner who i am deeply in love with.  and i no longer feel like the lead role in SherryBaby every time i leave bunny.

but there is one thing i need to change, now that i have done the list of minor changes for a better life.  i need to learn to panic less and just let go.  this morning i woke up my partner in tears because i had spilled some soup on our stove which blew out on of the burners.  i was convinced this was going to kill us.  after all was corrected (there was nothing to be done, i just needed to wait for the burner to dry off) my very tired better half reminded me that this was the third time this month i had come in the bedroom in a panic, convinced that i had done something wrong and it was the end of the world.  now, i know the reason i get so worked up is because i want everything to be perfect and i want our home to be a safe, comfortable, fully functional unit, but that’s no excuse.  i need to work on my reactions.  i need to start talking myself down.  and telling myself my actions have not caused the end of the world.  so that is my new goal.  and i know it is my most difficult to accomplish.  but i have faith in the home cooking yogi who is finally comfortable walking in the city alone.  and the girl who now goes to the green market and buys vegetables.  because she’s the same girl who got a job in publsihing and has done a pretty good job so far.

so, with my new goal in mind, i am off to continue my work.

so.  today i got (via facebook) an invitation for my 10 year high school reunion.  i feel really, really old.  it’s so strange to think that a decade ago i was smoking cigarettes and cutting class.  driving around my mean suburban streets blaring AFI.  working in a daycare and dropping babies.  i don’t really know where the years went.  i mean, schooling ate up six years, but god, ten years.  i can’t believe it.

and yet, here i am.  no longer smoking.  no longer driving.  and well, i gave up cutting class in high school.  i wonder what life is like for everyone else.  i’m interested to find out.  this does make me think about where exactly i am.  and, for once, i must admit i am happy right where i am.  i mean, yes, i don’t like my job.  but i love my home.  and my partner.  and of course, buns.  and i like where i live.  and how i live.  sure, i wish i made more money, but i like my life.  and, finally, i like myself.  i don’t think i could say that 10 years ago. 

my best friend has been obsessed with our inevitable high school reunion. she has even sworn to fly back from Argentina to attend.  so, i will be in good company.  and i will make my partner go, although, it will be strange going to my reunion with my date from the senior prom. i can’t believe we made it this long. 

and i now have several months to agonize over what i will wear…

stretching out after a big breakfast.

so, i have had a pretty intense couple of weeks in which (i think) i have decided i am going to move in with my partner in the next month or so.  which for us, is kind of a huge deal and yet also a total non-issue.  either way, i find it to be blog worthy.  for almost (gasp) twelve years now i have been involved with this person in one way or another.  and after a minor roommate crisis, i realized that there is only one person i want to come home to.  that, coupled with my new urgent homelessness, has inspired this future cohabitation, and let me tell you, i have already begun nesting in my brain.  i will redo my couch cushions and buy new curtains.  oh yes. 

i also decided since my job is mostly frustrating and annoying i want my home to be the best it can be.  and there is only one person who can ensure that will happen.  so off i go, to look at 1 and 1.5 (what does that even mean???) bedrooms, measuring tape in hand.

(i really hope this guarantees some home cooked meals.)

so, hi.  i know, it’s been awhile.  but i have, in the past two months,

a) gotten a job in publishing

b) freaked out about said job in publishing and wanted to quit by day 2

c) realized i was making easily twice as much as a waitress

d) rescinded my 2 weeks notice at the restaurant to continue working Saturday nights as a waitress

e) gotten really, really depressed about a, b, c, & d.

also during this time the oxford comma has been declared obsolete.  (not ok with that either.)

i’ve also gone seven months without smoking (i have no idea how) and am in the process of looking for a new place to live. 

so, yes.  my main reason for telling you all this is because this new biz cas office environment has given me a new thing to blog about.  which is my lack of a biz cas wardrobe and my pathetic failings at trying to achieve some semblance of professionalism.  every day i go to work i discover (generally several hours into my work day) a huge wardrobe malfunction.  please see the below list.

-i bought a very fancy silk shirt with my small amount of “new job wardrobe money” and as i left sprayed perfume.  come 11am, as i pass those giant florescent lights in the bathroom i have grown to loathe, i notice huge oil stains all over the front of my new shirt.

-accidental huge semen stain on my black skirt

-white cotton slip showing through the slits on the side of my dress

-stains on a shirt i just drycleaned in the hopes of removing said stain

-hole in my shoes

-holes in my cardigans

-see through shirts

-etc.

it has been a humbling 3 weeks.  and i’m already out of clothes.  i don’t know how people do it.  but here i am, broke and in the real world.  and i promise….i’ll keep you updated.